four more days. and happy happy joy joy time is over. no more sleeping at dawn and waking up just in time for lunch. no more prank calling certain boogers and causing him to (probably) be gossiped about at work. no more having options when it comes to what i can do with myself in a day, like:
to be useful or not to be useful
to be a slug or be hyperactive speedfreak freak
to sleep or to be awake
to drink or not to drink
to stay at home or stay out til late.
and today i found myself questioning whether that which i have to return to after the aforementioned four days is something which i really want to return to, especially since lately i haven't found much to be happy about about it.
the people and the professors and the days seem to have blended into a dull gray block of unpleasant something, and last sem, when i found that the only pleasurable thing about it was the END of the day, and the getting far far FAR away from it, literally and booze-ily, didn't help at all to change the way i see it.
and it troubles me, because i am fond of imagining what my future might be, a year, five years, ten years from now, and i've always seen myself a lawyer like my father and sister. i suppose i've never allowed myself to imagine myself as anything else.
while i acknowledge the fact that many people have come to change their minds about the way they want to live their lives and do so, i am not that kind of person. at close to twenty five the reason why i am not spending my days in an office making money and being self-actualized through work is that i have been, in my way at least, working on what started as my father's dream for me when i started showing signs of not being slooow, just a bit retarded, and became my ambition in the years that followed.
and it's not really the ambition that's changed, it's my liking for the place i chose to pursue it in. but still. if i can't find a way to keep my eyes on the prize, to stay in the game, to get with the program, and all those idiot cliches i'm somehow not doing, i'm gonna be in lots of trouble.
a year and a half-in theory-to go, and now i'm having doubts.
way to go.
to be useful or not to be useful
to be a slug or be hyperactive speedfreak freak
to sleep or to be awake
to drink or not to drink
to stay at home or stay out til late.
and today i found myself questioning whether that which i have to return to after the aforementioned four days is something which i really want to return to, especially since lately i haven't found much to be happy about about it.
the people and the professors and the days seem to have blended into a dull gray block of unpleasant something, and last sem, when i found that the only pleasurable thing about it was the END of the day, and the getting far far FAR away from it, literally and booze-ily, didn't help at all to change the way i see it.
and it troubles me, because i am fond of imagining what my future might be, a year, five years, ten years from now, and i've always seen myself a lawyer like my father and sister. i suppose i've never allowed myself to imagine myself as anything else.
while i acknowledge the fact that many people have come to change their minds about the way they want to live their lives and do so, i am not that kind of person. at close to twenty five the reason why i am not spending my days in an office making money and being self-actualized through work is that i have been, in my way at least, working on what started as my father's dream for me when i started showing signs of not being slooow, just a bit retarded, and became my ambition in the years that followed.
and it's not really the ambition that's changed, it's my liking for the place i chose to pursue it in. but still. if i can't find a way to keep my eyes on the prize, to stay in the game, to get with the program, and all those idiot cliches i'm somehow not doing, i'm gonna be in lots of trouble.
a year and a half-in theory-to go, and now i'm having doubts.
way to go.
posted by peach at 5:07 AM
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