streets of billions

there are billions of people in this world. billions walking down crowded streets and deserted streets, headed to nowhere, headed to somewhere.

billions.

in the past week i have walked not a few of those streets alone. at times, in passing i would meet one of those billions. and the sight of one of those billions would temporarily divert my thoughts and my memories of a weekend car standoff and the cruel metaphors that brought me to my knees.

i would wonder at their lives, as i have-since time immemorial-been wont to do. their happiness, their times of sorrow, their daydreams on rainy days, the people they would declare their love from the rooftops for.

i wonder at their thoughts as they walk down the street i'm walking, if giddy with happiness looking forward to their destination, or consumed with a loneliness that even standing in the middle of a happy crowd they would not be able to escape.

i wonder, and then the fleeting moment of an uneventful encounter passes, and once again the street is mine to wander down.

i flinch at the sight of silver cars and shiver at the rare drop or two of rain that softly lands on my face. a warning of a storm to come. a warning given before that i failed to heed, that led to me walking the street alone. but i continue to walk. i grasp the umbrella i failed to open the last time it rained, and i continue to walk.

and i continue to think of those billions, of the strangers i have yet to meet, the people, part of those billions, who matter to me.

of the friend who sped through rain and kept me company through the night as i cried.

of the friends who unknowingly brought me back from a place where i was wallowing in defeat and in shame.

of the friend whose warning i failed to take to heart, who sternly delivered the "i told you so" that was made all the more painful by the fact that it came from him.

of the sister who glared at me reproachfully as a came home at dawn only to demand answers from a friend of mine when i didn't surface til night arrived.

of the friends who seeing me downcast cracked jokes and fed me forbidden sweets.

of the father who said not a word after the initial lecture but fed me and sat beside me in the silence that has been our refuge and our connection.

of the people who, knowing i would kill for them and die for them, are there even when i don't een ask for them to be there, who by their mere presence could delay the sinking of my mind into the sadness i have been feeling, so deep that no tears emerged anymore.

of the billions of people in the planet, the billions of souls that walk the earth, i am lucky to have these people.

then as i walk more and more i continue to think of those billions, those souls, and i remember one in particular, i stifle the urge to cringe at the memory and i walk on.

of the billions of souls, not even a drop in the bucket of which i have come to know, or know of even, the one soul that touched me, that one soul who should be inconsequential, who should pass from my memory like a poorly written book, is what keeps me walking.

the next few days and weeks and months will bring about a decrease in the frequency of these walks, and yet i know that i will never completely cease.

as i walk to escape a memory, so i walk to relive yet another.