stopping the hands of the clock

make no mistake, last saturday. i held back.

precision strikes, what your words were then. each a direct hit, designed to make me sorry i was ever born.

my words, more heat seekers, more seekers-in vain-of sanity in a night that had seen you say goodbye with a smile and then jerk away from me in anger and then reach for me in an embrace and then gaze at me with hate.

as you blamed me and called me names i have never ever been called and i should not have allowed you to call me, as you pounded your fists and you screamed at me and i could barely breathe or move, did you know?

i was running out of air and my body refused to move due to the sheer effort i was exerting to not say words i would regret. not for your sake mostly, though in part for your sake it was, but for mine. i will not truly hurt someone to avenge myself.

not even vil could get me to do that. not even kuki. or patcat. or the law school asshole/s.

as i looked into your face and i heard your words, your vile, hateful, truly hurtful words, i was fighting not to say the words that would've perfectly matched yours. i was fighting to keep in my mind the image of your face when i had held it in my hands, the image of your face lit up with laughter with me, the gentle words that you said before.

i could've walked away last friday after you screamed at me. i could've walked away saturday when you screamed yet again and blamed me for your inability to control yourself. i could've walked away and just quietly gone on hating you and the sight and the sound of you. the way i had slowly begun to after monday and your trust issues.

but i chose not to walk away cause i didn't want that. i wanted to keep my promise, to keep you in my heart as a friend. i wanted you to concede that friday and saturday were as much your doing as mine, that had friday not gone down the way it did the tenor of saturday would have been more decent.

more importantly, i wanted to see before i left a reason to not have to turn away from you in hate and in regret.

if for moments obstinacy ruled me in provoking you as i did, if i refused to do what you wanted out of a perverse desire to frustrate you even more, know that it was because i felt i could still catch a glimpse of the person i wanted to remember.

i heard everything you said, in the cloud of my pain and in the midst of my tears. every vile, hateful, hurtful word.

kudos to you for restricting the cheap shots and going for the high blows.

trust me. each word went to my heart. each word caused me pain. each word.

as you left me standing in the rain and i yet again walked in vain search of sanity in that moment, pain.

it will surprise you, given your accusation that i was a liar, to know that i will insist on this. i don't really care about what you think. but i at least will rest easy knowing i have said it.

every word was forgiven as it came out of your mouth. every word.

and i will concede this victory to you, as hard as you fought for it.

i will stop the hands of the clock that i should've stopped before. i will bury the memories of you and the happiness and the insanity here in this place, the never to be known days of careless, reckless disregard and passion, of quiet nights and solitude by the waves, of you and me.

know that i gave up the fight because in the end, to the end, to the bitter and painful end,

i didn't want to hurt you.

and i debate with myself whether or not to delete the posts i made previous, the posts since the beginning of this insanity, seeing as i wrote them with an image of you in my mind that was entirely different from the face of that saturday. but for the moment they stay. if only to remind me.

i will say, in addition to this, that as my friend you had my love.

and had i chosen to love you more than that, i guarantee you that i would've loved you unreservedly and unhesitatingly, and i would've spent every waking day making you happy i had done so. that choice is no longer available to me.

but every word, baby. each and every word, as it hit me, as it hurt me, as it came out of your mouth.

forgiven.