thirty year old minds and twenty three year old emotions

in the battle between those two, who do you think will win?

no brainer.

cause twenty three year old emotions, they're all about taking risks. they fall and fall and fall like they've never fallen before. they get the hearts they come from broken, but they get right back up and they pretend they're not still bruised.

they're all over the place. they feel the distrust, they hope for the best, they do stupid things. they listen to their mind only when it's saying what they want to hear.

thirty year old minds? they love the safety and security and maturity that thirty years of disciplined routine brings. they take a long time to trust, just in time for that trust to be ruined, and they refuse to compromise. they have fun and worry about it. they analyze and rationalize and try to find things that aren't there.

they do what's right for the long run, they say goodbye before they hate, they walk away and don't look back. they hear their emotions and they tell them to keep quiet.

still wondering who'll win?

now, today, as i read your farewell, and i cry yet again, i concede this victory.

your thirty year old mind is doing it the right way. calling it quits before it gets too complicated, saying goodbye before we end up hating each other. you'll pick up where you left off in your otherwise comfortably centered life. your mind should be congratulated.

reason trumps passion for you. as well it should.

so, farewell, and in the days to come know that i have kind thoughts for you. i will wish you well.


as for my twenty three year old emotions, well...

i've been down a road like this before. it's lonely and quiet and punctuated by a few tears falling prompted by a particularly sad memory. it hears the saddest songs ever and recognizes the bits and pieces of the story being told as the exact same thing. but only bits and pieces cause not even a thousand songs can tell your story.

it's a road filled with wishes that things had never happened cause things that never happen never make you cry. but it's a road filled with more wishes that what happened could've worked out. it's a road filled with wishes that apologies worked wonders and told thirty year old minds to compromise.

it's a road that the last time i took i stumbled. but now it's a road that i will take knowing the way, knowing where it could lead. and it's a road i will take with tears in my eyes blurring my path.

i wish, i really wish, that you thought the same way i do.

that minds and emotions, they're really most of the time in the same place. your emotions tell you to jump, but your mind tells to you look first. sometimes the pull of just jumping is stronger than the pull to just keep on looking. and vice versa.

but both minds and emotions know that there's a jump to be made.

i jumped, and i made the worst mistake that our thing and our mutual lack-not absence-of trust could handle. and the price for that is this goodbye. after the trouble we went through, the insanity of those days, the unwillingness to admit it wasn't nothing.

that day, that lunch, when this started, and you held my hand, my mind and my emotions were at war. they knew there was a jump ahead. and my mind gave me a glimpse of today:

me, in front of this computer, writing these words. pain-full words.

on the road when you dropped me off at ortigas, did you feel the hesitation, did you hear the ever escalating shouts of my mind?

til dinner came they were at war still.

and then i saw you and yet again, in the way that i have always let them win, emotions took the lead. because that glimpse that my mind gave me? of sadness, of tears, of painful words that had to be written so they wouldn't stay and bleed?

nothing compared to what my emotions showed me.

days of crazy crazy crazy beautiful things, of discovering new things about an old friendship, of evil and naughty and sweet laughter,of kisses i could never get enough of, of kisses that stayed in my mind, of fear of not being nothing, of being beside you those nights, on the road and eating food i rarely finished, of waking up in the morning to the idea of the night to come being far far better than the last, of eeirily good conversation between minds seemingly too different.

in the days to come i will wish that your mind thought the same way i did, that you would think the risk of hating can be overcome. but then i will disregard that wish for your mind to be any different. after all, your mind is the reason i jumped. and, if i'm lucky enough, maybe your mind will ask me to jump again. but i hold out not much hope. luckily my mind is not that masochistic.

but i find that i do not wish my mind was any different, being such a weak ass wuss compared to my emotions. cause if i'd listened to it, if i'd stayed on the safe side even just once, i wouldn't have felt what i felt. i wouldn't have had those days with you.

fantastic, exciting, crazy beautiful days.

days that happened cause luckily for me, your thirty year old emotions were in sync with my twenty three year old emotions in disregarding your thirty year old mind and my twenty three year old mind.