those lazy hazy crazy days of summer

i saw this draft, and i wanted to post it. it's not in the proper order of the posts here, this should've been posted monday, but somehow, seeing as i never really do things in order, okay lang naman siguro no?

monday, at the lounge, waiting for you to pick me up.

someone i know has been in panic mode about being recklessly crazy the past few weeks, going crazy and driving me crazy with worries about friendships and inevitable ends to playdates. and while for the past few days i have to admit i've gotten caught up in the worrying, even mixing the three un-mix-ables of alcohol, pms and ms, and painkillers and going majorly out of whack, now, it's even keel baby.

well, as even keel as i can manage, given later and what i plan to say to you.

you have not been remiss in reminding me and emphasizing that this, whatever this is, is just exactly what it is. what we agreed on. but i'm finding it harder and harder to deny that for me this is more than that, this is our friendship taken to a different and insane level and i'm feeling more and more for you than i agreed i would.

which is why when you pick me up later and you look at me again and i look at you again and i feel that insane urge to be reckless again i will subdue that urge and say goodbye to this insanity and to you.

these past few days i have been plagued with guilt about a decision i made and a conversation i had with someone dear to us and i know that i probably don't have the courage to admit it to you, even though i've been trying to find a way to tell you.

i was going to last thursday, but then i saw you looking happy and relieved and satisfied and i just didn't have the heart to burst your bubble. and i didn't think that i could look into your eyes and watch me prove you right in your distrust.

and all friday and saturday i tried to drink away the feeling that i fucked it up. and i tried even more to drink away the realization that i couldn't drink that feeling away. there's nothing like knowing you messed up a good thing to make you want to down as many beers as you can in the hopes of waking up a year after and finding it all doesn't matter.

i've been ap0logizing all week for keeping you up and away from work and all the other things. i never knew i'd be doing something that really requires an apology. and i am, cause apparently, the conversation i had was unnecessary. and the sinking feeling i got when i found out and i realized you would know and you wouldn't forgive me?

that's why goodbye.

cause i, brave person that i am to have lived past almost dying and crazy bitches and cheating assholes and cruel gossip, i will not be able to handle saying sorry and not being forgiven.

i will look back at you and me and tonight, and what will happen tonight, and i will wish that for once i had meant it when i said i wouldn't think it was anything more than we agreed. cause then i would have just thought of myself and let you have that conversation and risk the friendship of seven years. but in my ever lasting stupidity, i didn't trust you. like i know you don't trust me.

and when my heart looks back and breaks again and again and the memory of you and those summer days resurfaces, the way you looked that thursday night, all happy and relieved and light.

thursday night will be on my mind.