twirling the flaming baton

rounding the corner while leading the parade, seeing its conclusion undoubtedly filled with sadness and loneliness, there is nothing i can take refuge in as i sit in front of this machine that has seen me produce happy words and sad words.

and now, crashing after this fall, i remember you and the past weeks and the happiness and the laughing trips and the hand that held mine and the quiet sleepy drives home and the calls from nowhere and the unbelievable mind altering fun and i know, in the way that i know that i sure as hell fucked it up, i will miss it terribly.

and for what? a decision i made forgetting our agreement, a judgment call i heeded forgetting that i should've trusted you. a judgment call i hid from you, that every day since i made it i wanted to tell you. but in the grand tradition that is me and my fuck-ups,

i was afraid. to tell you and see you deflate, to hear the words that would be spoken about me that you would've had to defend,to admit to my fear.

and now i pay for it with a thousand words unsaid, days that would've blown our minds out and re-filled it with evil crazy things, the second guessing, the sound of my heart breaking.

i know i promised my heart wasn't yours to break, but it wasn't my promise to make and keep. i have a stupid heart, one that takes a friend and the unexpected happiness and embraces it.

i'd love to blame you, with your panic inducing words and your silent distrust that morning and your refusal to see that i had something to pay for too. but i can't. i was afraid, and i opened my mouth, and i kept it from you, and no amount of apology or effort will change your mind. it's that simple

though i have fallen victim to my fear before, and i thought i was strong enough never to again. but when you have nothing to hold on to, no concrete thing except the idea that this comes with an expiration date, and even so you will be subjected to the pain that words can cause that you try to hide, there's that moment of clarity, one that tells you you will pay, but this is the best decision to make for this moment, for this insanity.

and so i made that decision, with nothing in mind but the thought of a friendship i could ruin, a person i didn't want to hurt more than i already did, an unwillingness to face the known unknown with a person who seemed so supremely self confident it scared me. i made that decision, knowing the moment i saw you that evening, relieved and happy and satisfied, knowing the moment my attempts to gather enough courage to own up to it, knowing that days were passing by and what i needed to tell you remained unsaid, that i would pay.

i'd love to blame you, making me panic like that. but more than that i'd love to be able to say that i won't miss you, that i won't wish i could take it all back, that i won't wish i'd gotten the courage in that earlier minute of inquiry, that i won't hope that you'll change your mind. but i can't say that.

i will miss those crazy days. i will miss the conversation and the drives home. i will miss you.

again in my mind there are songs that play over and over, a sad soundtrack to the sad movie that is you and me.

to think that only yesterday
i was cheerful bright and gay
looking forward to
well who wouldn't do
the role i was about to play
but as if to knock me down
reality came around
and without so much
as a mere touch
cut me into little pieces
leaving me to doubt,
talk about
god and his mercy
for if he really does exist,
why does he desert me
in my hour of need
i truly am indeed,

alone again, naturally.


and to really rub salt into an already raw wound...


Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.

this decision, and the payment it will exact, has led me to believe that truly,

in this parade of the stupid and dumb, in this contest for the monumentally idiotic, in this tragic comedic error filled play,

the flaming baton is truly mine to twirl.