it's those who act like angels i worry about

if anyone asks, yes, i am once again royally pissed off. pinagbigyan na before, di pa rin natuto.

i don't get it. i'm the one with the less than stellar record. i'm the one who's one missed mass away from excommunication. i'm the who's had to accept that saccharine sweet just ain't me. why is it that i can still manage to fuck up my life without dragging anyone down with me?

and why is it that people who aren't a five away from getting kicked out, attend all sorts of things designed to prove their devotion to a higher being, and come across as harmlessly competent and nice can't seem to manage to truly live up to the image they project? why must they always engage in acts, small, granted, but acts all the same, that manage to annoy me? mostly because in some strange way they involve me?

i have done my best this year to stay as far down below the radar as i can. i have held my temper more times than i can count. i have kept myself from telling people off the way they so soundly deserve to be. but still.

still they annoy me.

if you have something to ask, ask me. if you have something to say, to my face please. as i have somehow managed to do for you, in spite of the many things you have said about me behind my back while hiding behind the self-righteous bullshit it is unfortunate you think your religion entitles you to have.

if your god permits you to go around skulking like a pseudo spy asking people what they think about me and really just spread gossip about me, fine. them's the shits. whatever floats your bible-thumping boat, i always say.

if you get that this is about you, as i'm sure you will, or i'm sure other people will tell you, and you get pissed or hurt and feel the urge to once again call me a bitchy spaztic mean bitch like you have on many many occasions and in many many ways done, feel free to do so. you're certainly entitled to it. as i am to this.

please remember, whatever patience i had for you was because of mutual friends who always told me you were truly kind and decent. i wanted to help, to contribute and do good with whatever time i have free, or not so free. but if you want to ascribe some ill-motive to that desire, then feel free. god knows you always have.

fair warning: say what you want about me. ruin my name all you want. but know that there are few things in this world capable of knocking me down. and you are not one of them.