mistake no more

I write this with truly, a heavy heart, but a clear conscience.

I made a mistake in my assessment of your character, and it is a mistake that I am proud to say I will not continue to make.

I had a valid concern which I felt I should share with you. It was a concern which I repeatedly emphasized was not highly likely to occur, but which I still felt you had to be informed of. Where I went wrong with that, I don’t know. And why you felt you had to unleash a barrage of insults and accusations on me, I don’t really know either.

It’s nice to be able to blame me for your attitude towards me, to say that I was makulit, and I was being the crazy person you call me, and I was pulling a stunt to catch your attention. Timing for you is everything, and you hinge your justification for your words and your attitude on that. Fine. Timing has always been my weakest point, and with you it has always been wrong.

However much contempt you have for me, rest assured that you aren’t that high on my “people to admire” list either. At the age of thirty your refusal to take responsibility for your words and actions is amazing. You make decisions based on moments of weakness and you blame it on other people. You say things which you say are provoked but really are nothing but manifestations of the incredible anger and hate that are deeply imbedded in your character.

An invitation issued is merely an invitation until you show up. And until you’re actually there, you can decide to not show up. A conversation can be teasing and tempting but the response to that teasing or that temptation is truly well within your sphere of responsibility. Saying no by avoiding is truly not the mark of a man, and a man is what you are not. Not right now. Not for me.

Your insecurities about your appearance, and your age, and your relations with other people, and your ignorance of what they truly think of you, are things which you can blame no one else for. You try so hard to maintain an appearance of propriety and good manners when you hide an attitude so clearly malicious and offensive and weak. Fine by me.

I’m stupid, and crazy, and reckless, and for a while there really stupid enough to miss you and want to see you. And stupider talaga to let you know pa. But, in light of a similar situation that happened to me before, not stupid enough to pull the stunt you accused me of pulling.

I thought I knew you enough to predict how you would react. Dead wrong. About everything about you, dead wrong. And it is a mistake I made once, twice, but never will make ever again.

So, go. Take solace in your convictions, born of weakness and idiocy as they are. Take pride in your ability to hurt and offend me with your malicious and hurtful words. Truly they are achievements which few people can lay claim to. And no person of decency and integrity would lay claim to.

But remember that you were only able to hit me when I was down. And you could only hurt me with your words when you had the advantage. And that talkative as I am, crazy as I am, reckless as I am, baggage laden as I am, I will be very happy to get through life never being able to do what you do, and managing to avoid becoming the person that you are.

And whatever the end result of my worrying is, you will never hear of it. Ever. Ever again.