in furtherance of what?

i am a person who is, depending on the situation, either quick to anger (overly sensitive) or the opposite. one thing is constant, and that is, when i am moved to anger of great proportions, i am not quick to cool down or quick to forget. one thing an ex of mine often remarked upon was that i was unforgiving.

i have tried in many ways to improve upon this flaw of mine, by trying not to care too much about how people near and dear to my heart choose to fuck themselves up, by trying not to let what others say affect me, by trying to stay at a respectable level by refusing to act on an immature idiot's side comments and letting her whisper to her pitying and worshipful minions.

believe me, the writer in me has pictured in great detail the pain it would probably bring me great pleasure to inflict upon this pathetic snivelling weasel, but i have, in ways i sometimes regret, held back.

(too many things to do in a day, too many happy thoughts to think in her stead, too many other people who matter to me and who i should focus on. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i have held off on letting it all out the way i so desire to.)

and in large part i have succeeded, i have managed to remain on civil terms with our common acquaintances, done my work-in my disorganized, (and due to recent illnesses-refer to hypochondriac musings post)slow, and not as hyper manner, dvoted a lot more time to academics than the year previous, and in all maintained a pleasant outlook on life in law school.

i am slow to forgive, or even if quick to do so, rarely if ever able to regain my trust in people. there are people who were part of the last year's debacle i would dearly love to blame for my irritating predicament, however, the time to whine is past, and i am left with the aftermath of their mistakes, and i am left to contemplate-wonder-on their loyalties, if i ever had theirs, as they had mine(unquestioningly though now i wonder why i ever did do it so). but in the end i am in this of my own doing, i have said words i have to live by, i have done things i cannot undo. i have allowed for moments of regret, but i have moved on.

as past posts have shown, i have what is promising to be a hectic and unforgiving year ahead of me. i have no time for pettiness and backstabbing and drama shit. i can, with ease, sever ties with a quick word, make someone cry without remorse, exposed pathetic idiotic gossipmongering-born-of-bitterness-due-to-failure-at-love machinations without regard as to consequences.

but, as i have said before, heeded my father's words.

i have held back.

andi, precious wise friend, has cautioned me about politics, and i heed her too.

i have held back.

because i have no fight against someone who cries instead of owning up to stupidity.

i have held back.

and still there are people who have refused to let things be. there are people who enjoy stirring up trouble by making useless, idiotic comments. in furtherance of what, other than the perpetuation of a fight which is of no benefit to anyone, i don't know.

now there are people who admire these people, for their capacity to be fearless in their comments, for their tendency to be, in a word, KUPAL, and reckless about their targets. i am not one of the half-fearful, half admiring masses.

having been raised in a family of wisecracking sarcastic people, i can appreciate the value of a well-phrased insult, and i am aware of my capacity to inflict pain with a few well-chosen words.
so in the face of garden variety idiots who like to make conflict where one is being studiously avoided for the sake of peace,

i have held back.

but corollary to the business and the packed days and the recent tendency towards exhaustion and impatience is the knowledge that now, the fuse is shorter.

holding back all of a sudden isn't sounding as adult as it once did.

game.

like i told one of those people, if you have nothing good to say, don't say it. if puro yabang at kakupalan ka lang, wag na. if puro exagerration ka lang, wag na. if gulo lang ang habol mo, say it na.

i'm happy to accomodate.