two stories

and there you go again with the frisson thing.near me beside me and then all of a sudden far untouchably far away. a word here a smile there and then there you go.

frisson.

all chilly spine tingly even years after. all the questions they ask about you and me after seeing us just having a conversation. there is no such thing as an innocent exchange between us they seem to think. all the questions i know will have difficult answers for me.

cause, you know, for the most part, i've resigned myself to the fact that never ever again. booze helps with that. also others.

but then, there you go. that crazy crazy smile. and the understanding of everything i say, even the half i never said. and the chilly thing. the hope springs eternal, not pala a load of crap.

crap.

and then there's you. that perfect friend everyone was happy i had. mentor fellow alcoholic artist musician carino brutal friend. now totally (un)believably out of reach.

it occurs to me that alan and boyong and melay are right. right there last year, when in that dark blue room with them and you cushioned me in your embrace that they wondered about, that i dismissed. right there was a moment.

and now i admit that i missed that moment to be a totally different person, with a perfectly different man. but big wuss that i was, scared little cat that i was, i denied it. even to myself. and now,

now.

you're way way over there and i'll always be here is our fate. sorry nalang.