wait wait wait

the past few months and the violence associated with fraternities have in many ways rocked what used to be a solid belief in my part that up law was a safe haven from those who choose to wield padlocks and pipes and baseball bats while hiding behind masks.

it has sparked not a few rounds of witty and not so witty banter on the subject, which has for some people degenerated into a pissing contest.

i would like to say that the people who are talking the loudest about this are forgetting one crucial fact. the people who belong to fraternities, the people they are actually talking about right now, are human beings. some of them have dealt with or are at this moment being made to deal with consequences of the actions of their groups, or of their actions, consequences with a reach into the future far longer than the commentaries of people in their blogs and email lists ever will.

we all speak of fraternities and how fraternities perpetuate a culture of violence and almost criminal secrecy and how they should be abolished with a degree of intellectualism and detachment. and we reduce human beings to points of discussion.

what i do know of frats comes from going out with a member of one a couple of years back. (actually i had a streak going there for a while, but that is a topic for future discussion) those couple of years were a lesson in tolerance and acceptance, tolerance of the magnification of machismo that comes part and parcel when groups of young-and not so young men- come together, and acceptance of the fact that your life with your boyfriend is in a way dictated by his life in the fraternity. (there's nothing like a cancelled anniversary date-or any date for that matter- due to an emergency of whatever sort to better illustrate that. ) tolerance and acceptance-though in my part very limited- also came in the form of knowing the excesses that contribute towards this all popular opinion of fraternity people as violent little bastards who hide behind a wall of masked men to bully other people.

don't get me wrong, some of them really are violent little bastards. some of them are snivelling little weasels i'd love to whack upside the head. there are not a few things i take issue with fraternities about, such a code of silence that extends to a conspiracy among brods to aid their other brods in their efforts to cheat on their girlfriends. and there are those unbelievably moronic people who think being brothers means they can meddle all the goddamned time in every goddamned thing. the list goes on and on.

but there are exceptions to the popular opinion (that fraternity people are violent bastards and snivelling weasels), exceptions enough that they should be held to admit of an error in the formulation of such an all pervasive opinion.

there's a batchmate of mine, an evening student, who was attacked here in law, who missed work, missed school, missed a lot of things he enjoyed due to a rival frat's insane desire to prove that nowhere is anyone untouchable, and that numerical superiority can make mincemeat of the tiniest and most harmless of people. he's nice, he works in the day and studies in the evening, he plays volleyball with other friends, he's pleasant and generally a decent, harmless guy.

there's the guy who, when i was involved in an issue regarding another brod of his, went out of his way to show that brod that he was on my side, at risk of getting alienated. another brod of his- a really old friend- actually went and fought my battles for me, in consideration of-and yes he valued this more- a tie way deeper than the one he had with the frat.

there's the other guy who, in the years i had a streak going, has borne witness to that streak and the disasters they ended up becoming, who has given me advice and has been a friend and a confidant, even about matters regarding those brothers of his who were part of that unlucky streak.

right now, i have a friend, a mentor of sorts along with his devoted, who i hear is facing a major dilemma that will lay waste to his years of hard work, who probably-i believe- is not even supposed to be in this situation. he's a nice guy, a great big brother-father ba? malay, a great boyfriend to my mother hen, a person who goes out of his way to be polite and friendly. i haven't seen him since the news broke out, i haven't spoken with him, but i think his concerns are not unimportant, and he is the last person i would ever ever think of as hurtful or offensive.

on and on really the list goes, and there are many people i am friends with who you wouldn't believe are fratmen. simple unassuming men who do not allow their fraternities to define their humanity, but instead make sure their humanity transcends the everyday garden variety bullshit that their groups -not just frats, but concentrated groups of all kinds- can expose them to.

it's for them i speak.

you can all go and debate all you want and fall on you argumentum ad hominem and out and out non sequiturs and slippery slope swords all you want about the snivelling weasels and the violent little bastards.

i say go for them, and with gusto.

just try not to box everyone who belongs to frats in neat little catergories. let's remember that some of the country's greatest criminals come from, or are being aided and abetted in their efforts by those who come from the nice little fraternity-sorority that is the UP College of Law,
and i don't think any one of us here would take kindly to being called a criminal when we haven't even passed the bar yet.

peace, brothers.

well, i have no lovelife. hence, i have a useless comment on current events. sorry.

in furtherance of what?

i am a person who is, depending on the situation, either quick to anger (overly sensitive) or the opposite. one thing is constant, and that is, when i am moved to anger of great proportions, i am not quick to cool down or quick to forget. one thing an ex of mine often remarked upon was that i was unforgiving.

i have tried in many ways to improve upon this flaw of mine, by trying not to care too much about how people near and dear to my heart choose to fuck themselves up, by trying not to let what others say affect me, by trying to stay at a respectable level by refusing to act on an immature idiot's side comments and letting her whisper to her pitying and worshipful minions.

believe me, the writer in me has pictured in great detail the pain it would probably bring me great pleasure to inflict upon this pathetic snivelling weasel, but i have, in ways i sometimes regret, held back.

(too many things to do in a day, too many happy thoughts to think in her stead, too many other people who matter to me and who i should focus on. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i have held off on letting it all out the way i so desire to.)

and in large part i have succeeded, i have managed to remain on civil terms with our common acquaintances, done my work-in my disorganized, (and due to recent illnesses-refer to hypochondriac musings post)slow, and not as hyper manner, dvoted a lot more time to academics than the year previous, and in all maintained a pleasant outlook on life in law school.

i am slow to forgive, or even if quick to do so, rarely if ever able to regain my trust in people. there are people who were part of the last year's debacle i would dearly love to blame for my irritating predicament, however, the time to whine is past, and i am left with the aftermath of their mistakes, and i am left to contemplate-wonder-on their loyalties, if i ever had theirs, as they had mine(unquestioningly though now i wonder why i ever did do it so). but in the end i am in this of my own doing, i have said words i have to live by, i have done things i cannot undo. i have allowed for moments of regret, but i have moved on.

as past posts have shown, i have what is promising to be a hectic and unforgiving year ahead of me. i have no time for pettiness and backstabbing and drama shit. i can, with ease, sever ties with a quick word, make someone cry without remorse, exposed pathetic idiotic gossipmongering-born-of-bitterness-due-to-failure-at-love machinations without regard as to consequences.

but, as i have said before, heeded my father's words.

i have held back.

andi, precious wise friend, has cautioned me about politics, and i heed her too.

i have held back.

because i have no fight against someone who cries instead of owning up to stupidity.

i have held back.

and still there are people who have refused to let things be. there are people who enjoy stirring up trouble by making useless, idiotic comments. in furtherance of what, other than the perpetuation of a fight which is of no benefit to anyone, i don't know.

now there are people who admire these people, for their capacity to be fearless in their comments, for their tendency to be, in a word, KUPAL, and reckless about their targets. i am not one of the half-fearful, half admiring masses.

having been raised in a family of wisecracking sarcastic people, i can appreciate the value of a well-phrased insult, and i am aware of my capacity to inflict pain with a few well-chosen words.
so in the face of garden variety idiots who like to make conflict where one is being studiously avoided for the sake of peace,

i have held back.

but corollary to the business and the packed days and the recent tendency towards exhaustion and impatience is the knowledge that now, the fuse is shorter.

holding back all of a sudden isn't sounding as adult as it once did.

game.

like i told one of those people, if you have nothing good to say, don't say it. if puro yabang at kakupalan ka lang, wag na. if puro exagerration ka lang, wag na. if gulo lang ang habol mo, say it na.

i'm happy to accomodate.

excellent vintage whining

can i just say something totally grr-inducing? (as if anyone could stop me)

some of my past posts contain references to work for school. i can safely say that nothing in my first four years of after high school education prepared me for the sheer number of things i have managed to volunteer myself for.

maybe it's the people i work with.

the current lsg president and my personal up law mother hen (along with her devoted one-my father hen) are such joys to be with-seriously. they look out for me and encourage me and generally help me make my way through the land-mine-riddled battlefield better known as law school as unscathed as someone like me could ever be.

the other lsg people, the vp and the secretary, whose projects i happen to find myself involved in every now and then. they're clear about the direction they're headed, they don't bullshit me, they're always ready to clarify things for me.

and the other people in the many other committees, like sanne, elson, ate nayna, leni, my many blockmates who never hesitate to help. work even when you like it is work, and really for me to maintain focus i need to think of it as work, but these people, they make it happy, easy work.

or maybe it's the actual work itself, which for the most part is the thing i enjoy the most about law school. i enjoy helping. i enjoy making things easier for people. i enjoy working with people. and selfishly, i enjoy the adrenaline rush.

but (and after the long meandering thing there is a BUT)

there are things that make me regret taking on these projects, that somehow manage to make me question why the hell i even go out of my antisocial shell and set myself up for work my current academic load (and list of deficiencies) dictates i should let go of.

take, for example, people who refuse to cooperate. like a certain person from a certain fresh block who, instead of answering a relatively straightforward question, tried to send me off on a quest for information from someone else when he had what i was askng for in the first place and even wasted a text message to reply in that altogether useless manner.

like someone- i won't say who but only cause i don't know who the fuck s/he is and really i don't want to know- who talked to me about a certain project in a way that was distinctly annoying, considering that whatever was coming out of his or her mouth wasn't really that impressive anyway.

and then there are people who seem to think i value their opinions, like people who can't seem to understand that events such as the one taking place next week aren't the proper venue for uptight prissiness. you join a contest, you don't make the grade, you get heckled. such is the way of the world. deal with it. feel free to get your panties in a twist, but please, twist them far away from me.

seriously.

keeping enemies close

far far away is where you want them, really, cause who wants to be annoyed everyday by the reminder that there are people whose parents you wish had used birth control, people you sincerely regret not being able to kill with a look.

would you want them sitting a couple of chairs and a row away from you? every goddamned day that you're in school?

especially when their vicious malicious bullshit disguised as saccharine sweet comments are almost always launched whenever you're not around, conveniently kept from your earshot during the long hours of breaks and waiting for profs?

what's the use of keeping them close if 1)they do nothing but annoy you when they're near 2) you know what they're up to anyway 3) you know whatever it is they're up to they don't do whenever you're near 4) the only way to keep them from doing whatever it is they're up to is to be so close to them you can see a path clear through their high hairlines to the roots of their stringy hair, and no way in hell would that be a pleasant experiance for you anyway?

you're ready if they want a fight. spoiling for it even, as the past few weeks have lulled you and dulled you and you need a shot of adrenaline to get started on the work you need to do. but how do you fight someone who doesn't fight fair? who makes paawa and acts pa-sweet and looks like a goddamned orphaned puppy? who even has weaselly snivelling worshipful idiots to do the scutwork?

all of a sudden keeping enemies closer than friends when you have no time to keep watch on them(which i think is the reason behind that particularly bright idea) sounds like a total waste of time.

but hey, what they shouldn't forget is that you're game for a fight anytime, any place. they slip, just once, and they'll really enjoy a happy family atmosphere for the next few years.

departure from my norm

there's nothing like being called twice in the same day and having all your intellectual inadequacies exposed for all the block to see to put things in perspective.

last weekend i was in a pretty bad mood, a bit irritated with a recent occurence involving two warring personalities, both my friends, and the not so quiet outcome of the encounter. one of my friends, you see, has a tendency to exaggerate like encounters and turn them into ball-busting events for opponents. which of course people have been turning into gossip mill fodder, and placing me in the unconfortable position of knowing my friend is lying and at the same time not being at all willing to expose the lie.

from sexual espcapades to graduating with honors to being the star of th show in previous school, moments for this friend of mine are embellished to the point of incredibility, and most times i catch the lie and see the inconsistency with the next variation of the story. more often than not, the story gets retold, and with new audiences who know shit absorbing the story.

my problem stems from the fact that this person is going out with someone i hold dear to my heart, and i hate the fact that i see my other friend all proud and happy and unaware of the other half's tendency to lie.

in any case, that's the background.

then came today, where my labor prof called unsuspecting me and unsuspecting me had no answer except "uh".

and then came property (my favorite), where the prof oculdn't help but shake his head in disbelief at the fact that during recit i had no idea who salvador laurel was.

those incidents helped me remember the reason why i have been exhausted of late. i've spread myself too thin, with my mind and my heart in different places, forgetting that my father's admonitions are true.

whether or not i get the highest grades, whether or not i'm the star of the show, i'm here to learn. i'm here to make the most of the four years here and absorb as much experience as i can.

it doesn't matter that i've barely exchanged a nod and a word with one of my first friends here (though this doesn;t really fill me with a lot of regret), it doesn't matter that i have friends whose loyalty i question every now and then (a surprisingly new experience for me since i have, prior to this, been lucky enough to have friends i can truly trust.) , it doesn't matter that i'm still reeling from a roller coaster i was reckless enough to get on and of course fell off of and regret half the time, it doesn't matter that my grades will need a major boost in order to justify my many other activities.

it doesn't matter that i have a tendency to make fantastically enormous mistakes which haunt me from the moment i open my eyes to the moment exhaustion forces them to close.

what matters is, thus far, my luck has held. i am here through mostly sheer force of will, but with a little help from a lot of people. and tomorrow is yet another opportunity for me to fuck up, but there will be other days where my unbelievable lucky duck luck will help me find a way to fix it.

i just have to shrug off the minor things faster, and get on with the business of enjoying something i used to enjoy again.

makin like stacy in house md

you're like vindaloo curry.

really really hot indian curry they make with red chili peppers. you're annoying and come on way too strong, like vindaloo curry. when you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but no matter how much you love curry you have too much of it and it takes the roof of your mouth off and you never wanna see curry for a really long time.

but you wake up one day and you think...

i really miss curry.

damn.

there are moments in time which i feel are better spent with someone, and there are moments in time i feel i need to be alone to enjoy. there moments between the two, like where i'm at right now, when the night is as perfect for dvd marathons or reading good inane books or spending verbal sparring time with my dad as it is perfect for drinking time with friends old and new or male-species assessment or dancing with a maybe. it's perfect for crowded bars or quiet theaters or fast drives or wondering if the one beside you right now right this very moment is someone who'll end up scaring the shit out of you.

and these moments in between are for really missing curry.

constant

dancing with another
on a floor smoke filled packed and pounding
held in his arms friendly but not quite so
alcohol beginning to crowd already crowded mind

one song passes to another
rhythm changing slightly one after the next
still in the arms of a friend who wishes for more
the push of vodka countering the pull of the memory

of a song not so long ago one night
the heady heavy beat of the feel of
in your arms perfection
the floor packed but us alone.

the dance now fades to be replaced by the next
in friendship's embrace i remain on the floor
my mind filled with alcohol warring for space
with the memory of that song and you

pity the friend who dances with me.

the song will change and the beat will change and
friendship's arms remain as i,
i remain in the crowded mind of that night so long ago and
you.