the end of the road as i know it

while once i hoped that years from now we could, in spite of the pain of 9 years past, in spite of the tears - and what piercingly painful, terribly draining, incredibly tiring, seemingly endless tears they were- and the words that people like us inevitably exchanged as we were both strong willed, though i did then bow to yours,

while there were moments in the first few years since then when i thought, here is the love of my life. why am i not with him now? why do i cringe at the idea of him loving someone else?

and when of course, time finally did its job and healed those sad and festering wounds, when we could share stories sitting by a quiet courtside, when we could smile and remember painful moments at the same time,

when i found, finally, the man i plan to spend the rest of my life loving,

i thought that against all those odds i thought i could never surmount in those early years,

you could be my friend, as i had always been yours, as i always truly had been, from the moment i forgave you the pain. we could share a few drinks as gray-haired friends, our children could play together, we could celebrate our successes and our families together.

and we could laugh about those early years when i thought myself in love with you when really, i was just a lonely little girl who thought she could love so young and love for long. and you could appreciate with me the road i have since taken, towards this bright and sunshiny man i cannot live without. and i could tell you of this man, this man who has given me a love that teaches me everyday that there is a love to be had from a man who can manage to not be selfish and unhappy, who teaches me to not be unselfish and unhappy.

but while i never faltered in my efforts to be the best friend to you i could possibly be, you have never ceased to amaze me with how far you will go to show the dishonesty of your avowal of friendship.

and i suppose as you danced with your beloved while i was drinking with friends -not knowing that you were then getting married, not even given the chance to politely decline an insincere invitation, as i would have out of respect for your wife and her unfounded jealousy- you spared no thought for me, you spared no guilt for me that i, that i who you caused such immeasurable and life-altering pain 9 years past, who managed to forgive you and be friends with you and treat you as a brother, you have slapped in the face once again?

once again, and for the last time.

because you are no longer my friend, and the love for you, my friend, that i have fought to keep in a tiny but important part of my heart where the space for the friends i fight so hard for- even when the urge to hate them and remove them and the pain they cause my life almost consumes me and drains me and tires me to the point where i dread the rising of the sun- resides,

that love is gone.

and i will cry one last time for the final disappointment you have dealt me. and my hope that i could have a friend like you who knew me when i had hopes, who knew me when i almost gave up, to remind me to be thankful of my future,

and then i will move forward, now more than ever grateful for the true and constant friends i do have and should give all my love to, now more than ever thankful to have been blessed with MY beloved, who would never stifle me and never hold me back from a friendship i valued, who urges me to celebrate my life with the people i want to celebrate it with.

and i will spare you these words, and i will spare you these thoughts.

but no more after this.

you are no longer my friend.

i no longer love you.

and i will no longer fight for you.

TWO KILOMETERS!

two friggin' kilometers from my house to the place where i, for some unfathomable reason, continue to matriculate.

you'd think i could manage to get to school in under ten minutes.

but NOOOOOOOO.

a turtle going at turtle miles per hour could cover two kilometers in the time it takes me to get to school these days.

i would think that living, as i do, two kilometers away from school, it's not unreasonable for me to expect to get to school on time (especially when i actually get up early with the aim to get to school on time).

is it?

@!#&*%!!!!!!!!!!!

die road widening project!!!!

DIE.

THREE MORE DAYS!

and the light of my life, and bane of my existence, will be back!

(unless MEAN MEAN MEAN JV his friend meant it pala when he said nung birthday ko - hmph- that Jonas would be back earlier than he told me!!!!!)


WHEEE!!!!

shading gray

there are choices that lie in the difficult spectrum of grays that spans the distance between black and white.

i, for one, am a fan of the gray shades. a big fan of them.

but there are decisions to be made in life which lie squarely on either end.

and there can be, even with a lot of effort on one's part, no success in shading them a bit darker or a bit lighter to suit one's needs or desires. there need not even be endless meditation. some decisions, you KNOW to make.

either you cheat or you don't. you help someone to cheat or you don't.

you're a friend or you're not.

you're lying or you're not.

right, wrong. white, black.

no matter how many romantic quotes you take to heart, no matter passionate a love you cite as a defense.

there are some decisions that are despicable, especially when making them was avoidable. hurting other people cannot be justified when the only thing at stake is temporary happiness.

some decisions are indefensible.

when you make them, don't try to justify or defend or deny.

just own up to the decision, and miserable or not, accept whatever consequences there may be.

why oh why oh why

why can't i ever have a vacation season where i'm not injured, or where i don't develop an annoyingly bad cold, or get otherwise incapacitated?

why can't i ever get the kind of condition where i lose weight? instead of conditions where, due to my incessant need for water and soup and food and my almost druggie-like popping of (apparently sugar loaded) lozenges, i end up having more clothes that don't fit?

why can't i seem to stop coughing? gaddemit.

why is it so cold when i need it to be toasty warm i can get well enough to see the outside of my house for the first time in 6 days?

why do i have a cold exactly when the weather is perfect for hot chocolate and marshmallows?

why am i sick at a time when i should be enjoying the last few bottles of guilt free happiness before crim rev marks my first class back?

why why why why?

why?

oh, and why is it that little annoying arrogant pricks are using other accounts to spy on mine?
in the hopes that they might be able to read really juicy stuff? hoping that i write something about their other-law-school-kicked-out-lying-cheating-selves?

why?

why can't some girls (shame on them) manage to flush? or wipe the seat? or try to read the helpful little signs telling them where to trash the trash?

why?

why can't some people just seem to keep their dicks between and for themselves and their girlfriends instead of going vagina shopping?

why?

and why are some pathetically clingy and insecure girlfriends incapable of managing to keep their boyfriends' man-toys in check without trying to ruin the reputation of other girls who could give a flying fuck about aforementioned boys? get a life.

why?

why can't some people manage to join a frat and stay the same nice sweet mama's boy wimpy kids they were? instead of morphing into testosterone overloaded drugged up little shits who think ganging up on and beating up little people showcases manly-man-ness? instead of becoming shitty little hypocrites who think just cause a few months have passed no one remembers what they did?

why?

why are some friends incapable of answering their phones? (paging mina - and yes, i read the survey. why regret NOTHING?)

why?

why are some people so incredibly incurably stupid?



and why am i sometimes one of those people?



meandering thoughts while waiting for jones to wake up. la lang.

this is what happens when i stay in one place for too long.