MERRY CHRISTMAS

just in case i don't find the time between now and the new year, i'd just like to wish everyone a very merry christmas!!!!!!

wheeeee!!!!! gifty gifty time....lots an lotsa gifties.....hehehehehehe

retrospective?

in these four days before christmas i keep on thinking about the year that has passed, the christmas before this, and the christmases yet to come.

this year...

all the hassle and the drama of leaving my home of fifteen years, finishing my thesis and trying to graduate on time (and failing), the latest inappropriate (young) guy, drinking sessions in manila, dancing nights away, with carmina and the manila boys, the lazy days of presummer with alan allan boyong josh melay pam pia, all the nice nice memories of the easy life i never knew i had.

i never expected to pass up law...i always thought i'd be studying law, but given my less than stellar scholastic performance of college and high school years past i never thought the kind professors (oxymoronic yet again =)) of up law would allow me to spend four(or more) years here. but they did...

and so the past six months have found me surviving terror profs and terror recits and super terror exams with some sanity still intact, drinking (hehe the constant it seems) the nights away with ate maha kuya aman and the other nice ates and kuyas of up law, talking about funny things and funny people with ates tia (cha) karen (kawen) and ninez (nee-nez), falling for guys who...argh..'nough said, liking a guy who may or may not like me back but i hope likes me back cause that would be totally totally great, hanging out with my crazy and amazing blockmates, gaining weight and gaining weight and gaining weight...

this christmas...

has been all about catching up with family, staying on my dad's good side by STAYING HOME, eating as much as i can cause of all the times of the year i gain weight christmas is THE best excuse. i realized just now how much i like hanging out with my dad, with his grumpy gruff old-man-papa 'tude, his super sarcastic super on the mark observations, his no-nonsense take on things. now more than ever i look at him and see the best guy in the whole world, the one guy who has never let me down. and my sisters. my crazy gorgeous outta whack sisters. they are the best!

and i feel so privileged to have so many new friends to celebrate this christmas with, and so many old friends to be thankful for having yet another christmas with, that the disappointments that i felt so keenly for the past few months fade more and more.

this is the first christmas i have spent single in quite a long time...and i don't quite know how to feel about that yet. in many ways it's okay, in many ways it's not. but that's me. bipolar in the weirdest ways.

for the past few months i have railed at Him for allowing me to yet again fall and fall badly. but in the past few days i have thanked him for allowing me to get back up. and for the people he sent to help me to my feet.

i wonder, in the christmases to come, how will i view this year and this christmas? with happiness, or sadness?

in the christmases to come, will i be alone, yet again?

well.

(on) moving on

yesterday was yet another drinking moment with ate hamster and kuya francis...could you guys be any more obvious than last night???? grrrr...

anyways...moving on...

when is the right time to say "enough" and on to the next moment?

is there ever a right time???

is there a prescribed period which people should adhere to when it comes to saying goodbye and good riddance to heartbreaking bittersweet (bitter,sweet) frustrating moments and start enjoying the next moment with no heavy feeling of whatever makes happy moments not so happy?

well...sorry.

i've never been one to follow prescribed periods.

well anyways..for the past few days i've found myself thinking of the past month and its sadness less and less...which is good i think, and more and more i feel the rightness of that particular ending...(really...it probably never would've worked out...)

except...what does it not mattering to me much now mean? do i chalk it up to the amazing capacity of human beings to recover? am i really programmed to fall and fall and fall like i've never been hurt before? like i never will be? or was it really, in what has become the word of the year for me, nothing?

i'd like to think so, cause then i'd probably be better off...

except...

i did cry those tears. i did hurt that much. i really was happy when it was happy.

i did feel.

and when i fall it's not like i've never been hurt before. i remember the hurt of the past lots and lots. but i choose to not let it rule my life. and really, there's no other way to fall...

it wasn't nothing. but now i'll just acknowledge its "somethingness" and be happy that that particular moment happened to me cause now i know...

that in days of unhappiness you can find comfort not really in the alcohol you drink but in the company of people who are either unapologetically unsympathetic or sympathetically commiserating (what?).

that reason without passion and passion without reason are both dangerous things, and the balance between the two is that there is no balance. some days one will rule the other, some days one is needed more than the other. you live your life with reason, you enjoy it with passion.

that accepting the end is not necessarily accepting failure, but accepting the fact that there are things that are just not meant to be.

that moving on is the lesson that i was supposed to learn.

ask the lonely

Just ask the lonely
When you feel
That you can make it all alone
Remember no one is big enough
To go it all alone

Just ask the lonely
They know the hurting pain
Of losing the love
You can never regain
Just ask the lonely
The young and foolish
Who laugh at love and slowly run away
Confident and sure that fate
Will bring another love their way

But ask the lonely
How vainly a heart can yearn
For losing a love
That will never return

Just ask the lonely
Just ask the lonely
Just ask the lonely

They'll tell you a story of sadness
A story too hard to believe
They'll tell you
The loneliest one is me

Just ask the lonely
Just ask the lonely
Just ask the lonely

Ask me,
I'm the loneliest one of all

random accounting

so i was thinking... that if there's anything that sucks about christmas, it's that every year there seems to be a lot more people you want to give gifts to and a lot less money to go around for that particular endeavor. and it naturally begs the question...

why am i so broke?

more to the point...

where did all my money go???

ever since law school began i have been spending not a small chunk of my allowance on readings...some of which end up gathering dust (which finds its way to my poor nose lang) in my room, most (i swear) of which though, i really really read.

then there's the candy that keeps me alive and nourished (oxymoronic yes?) in class, and food food food which tastes not like cardboard (seriously no...i've tasted cardboard...ew) but like perpetual extenders on leftover meals from the week before....but i love mommy and i get food cheap so that will be, for the nonce, the extent of my complaints...

oh and my never ending battle of wills with my coke (the soda ha) addiction and the healthier (talga ba?) alternative... with most of my classes in the afternoon i thought i could avoid coke (which helps keep me awake) and just drink water...but noooooo...

on thursdays, especially, when the combined forces of sir labitag and sir sison provide for a droning induced coma for the entire afternoon...i need caffeine. i need it.

it has been a source of debate in my family that the amount of money i spend on food and books would have paid for my getting thin the cosmetic way (i'm sorry, i know that gym fees would also be covered but really, sweat and pain, not my thing)...but that's another post for another day.

then there's the alcohol...with the many issues in my drama-queen like life i think my drinking habit is just about dangerously skirting the boundaries of the twelve-step taking level. go ate maha!!!!!

hee hee....

turns out i can answer those questions naman pala....

nothing, really.

so i was at home this sunday (an occasion which my father-the eternal stand-up comedian-deemed worthy of comment...har har) and i spent the day watching tv and having yet another aimless dinner table conversation with my equally dumb blonde sisters and then it came to me at around three in the morning...

nothing, really.

we are now reduced to passing each other in the hallway like strangers and talking to mutual friends but not to each other and being...

nothing.

and that realization is bitter and sweet (bittersweet wahahahaha) at the same time as i acknowledge the fact that this situation may just be the best thing for me and my prone to breaking heart.

how do you tell someone you care and then days after say it doesn't matter? like you said, some things are meant to never be understood.

and really, whatever the explanation is that you might eventually give, i will never understand.

and as this year begins to end and the days that i see you for this seemingly godforsaken year (for me) pass into memory, i wonder what the next year will bring for us.

feelings never die or disappear. they just fade. and when they do you wonder what it was they meant when you had them.

i feel like a total tool for remembering a quote from, from all places, a cop show. but right now it highlights exactly what i'm thinking....

what did they mean?

whatever the future holds i rest easy with this part of my past knowing that they meant something real to me, and in the end i did say what i mean and mean what i say. (or said)

but as a person who has always been victim to emotion and passion without much reason, i will never be able to discard what i had for you. they will always be here, with me, and i will come across you in hallways and remember, once upon a time...

it wasn't nothing.

and then some

32 flavors


squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some

and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain

still there's many
who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows

til i'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room

and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

i'm not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do

i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way no,
i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some

and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

ani di franco.

day of atonement

there's this jewish holiday i read about, yom kippur. also known as the day of atonement.
you ask for forgiveness for sins against god. it's like apologizing for the many shortcomings you had for the year..i think it happens around november or october....

but the day before yom kippur is what's called erev yom kippur where you ask for forgiveness for your sins against people.

before you ask for forgiveness from god, you ask for forgiveness from people. his people. his children whom you slighted in one way or another.

maybe because he entrusts us to one another, he asks for nothing but that we love one another. and we all still seem to hurt one another. so we need to forgive one another before he forgives us.

i think it's a given that he expects us to forgive one another before we can ask for forgiveness from him....

was just thinking about it, the beauty and the meaning of this holiday to the jewish people...the hope that it must bring to them. i wonder if there's a similar catholic or christian or hindu or islamic day...

la lang.

as the year draws to a close, as i prepare for a bittersweet christmas, and another birthday, i think of those two days. the day of atonement, and the day before that.

this is not me suddenly engaging in ecumenical or philosophical thinking...this is just...thinking.

to YOU...

god.

if only you'd just seen fit to not choose this particular trial to throw my way.

if only you'd just taught me whatever lesson it is that you wanted to teach me in a different manner.

if only you'd just leave my heart alone and try not to test it with the wrong ones.

if only you hadn't answered the first of my prayers back then.

if only you'd just said, found a way to say, that this isn't something you're supposed to win, just give up.

if only you'd just said, this one isn't a keeper. this one is a lesson you're supposed to learn.

if only your signs were a bit more obvious in pointing to the other direction.

if only.

cause now all i have to show for it is sadness and this unexplainable heaviness that i can explain actually by admitting that yes...once again, i played the fool to your wise wise man.

but i'm not mad. it's all good. cause you know me.

i'll play the fool for you anytime.

parts of a story

there can never be just a beginning and an end to a story. word after word has been written about the value of a good beginning, the satisfaction of a good ending (happy or otherwise), but for uneducated, unerudite, unintellectual people like me, the part in between is what matters.

the in between is where you find out who the characters are and why they're in the story and why the story's being told in the first place. you see years into their pasts and the minutes of their presents and then you start getting the feel of the plot. the truth to any story is always somewhere in the middle.

i've been guilty of peeking at the end of any book i've read, but i've always just wanted the satisfaction of knowing the end might be something i like. cause then when i read the middle i can focus on the story. this might be a fallacious argument but really, in real life you have too many unexpected endings already.

a girl can't be blamed for wanting to see into the future.

but as with any story that any writer seeks to write, the endings are limitless.
the in between, where the story gets told, decides how it ends.

so you, you.

my faith in my god has been forged out of unbelievable pain and unforgettable sadness and heartbreaking love and never-ending goodbyes and all the little things that make you stumble and bleed.

and it's made stronger by the fact that i have been blessed in so many other ways and that i have always relied on him and always felt his forgiveness and his love and yes, in moments of weakness i have railed at him and blamed him but in the end, i believe in him enough to talk to him.

i've had a few words with him since then, trust me, for this.

my past is my past and nothing can ever be done to change that. i have made bad choices and gone down a lot of wrong paths and i have hurt not a few people in the years i have lived. but i have tried to be better in the present and end each day with the knowledge that i did my best.

to have people dissect me and criticize me and disapprove of me because of you...wow. what an in between to forget.

to deny that that is what happened, to say that the summary is nothing..wow.

and for you to say to my face that those in betweens never existed in your copy of the script, when really, where else would i have gotten them from? i have some imagination, but not that much.

to tell me that my anger is unfounded and my sadness is my-mind-produced and the disappointment is undeserved is, really, umbelievable.

the ending is in some ways not what i wanted it to be, but in some ways exactly what i think it should be. i have no problem with the ending, yeah well maybe a bit of a problem. i'll be fair about that.

but the in between. damn that in between.

disclaimer

i don't know why i'm bothering but...

it occurs to me that the few people who might chance upon this little outpouring of emotions of mine might think i'm totally heartbroken (not so much no)...or i'm totally drama (yes yes i am)....
well...

pwede ba!!!!!

welling up

the tears keep on...

but sooner or later you stop crying not because you realize there isn't any hope left but because your spirit will remind you that you did the best you could, you didn't hold anything back, and maybe, in the grand tradition of the most painful realizations in the world,

it just wasn't meant to be....

i keep on thinking about pablo neruda...how he was able to write such beautiful words..about waiting and remembering and loving...maybe he could write those words because not only was he once gloriously in love, but also because he was once in immense pain...

i am bipolar...i'm happy, really happy when i'm happy, then i'm sad when i'm sad...
when i go for someone, i focus on the person...because really, if you're not focused, even if there's no commitment, then you're just playing games.

and i don't like playing games. because i don't like them played on me, and because sooner or later someone stops playing and aims for real, and then, pain follows.

but the way i play it, i set myself up for disappointment, because my soul is rarely one to give up easily on a person. you let go of things. not people.

and maybe i should just not do that. cxause obviously it's not working. cause obviously i'm the one still left caring...while...

oh well.

oh well.

naturally...

there's this song by gilbert o sullivan i think...i heard it first ally mcbeal...at that time it struck too close to home, cause i was in the process of getting over the old guy...and then when the second fratman and the psycho-biatch ruined the end of my 20th year-really i let them ruin it so peace na-it kept me in tears......then i came across it again...and reading the words i realize that it mirrors what i'm feeling right now.

well parts of it...parts of it.


in a little while from now
if i'm not feeling any less sour,
i promised myself, to treat myself,
and visit a nearby tower ..........
and climbing to the top,will throw myself off,
in an effort to, make clear to whoever,
what it's like when you're shattered .......
left standing in the lurch,
at a church where people saying .....
my God, that's tough, she stood him up,
no point in us remaining .......
may as well go home,
as I did on my own,
alone again, naturally.

to think that only yesterday,
i was cheerful, bright and gay.
looking forward to- who wouldn't do-
the role i was about to play.
but, as if to knock me down,
reality came around,
and without so much as a mere touch,
cut me into little pieces.
leaving me to doubt,
talk about
God in His mercy,
who, if He really does exist,
why did He desert me?
and in my hour of need,i truly am,
indeed,
alone again, naturally.

it seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world that can't be mended,
left unattended, what do we do?
what do we do?
alone again, naturally.

looking back over the years,
and whatever else that appears.
i remember i cried when my father died,
never wishing to hide the tears.
and at sixty-five years old,
my mother, God rest her soul,
couldn't understand why the only man
she had ever loved had been taken.
leaving her to start,
with a heart so badly broken,
despite encouragement from me,
no words were ever spoken.
and when she passed away,
i cried and cried all day,
alone again, naturally

alone again,
naturally.

one of the most tragic things in the world is to care more than the other person and not care that that's the case. i'm not mad at him...i find that it's not in me to be....i stand by what i said....i'm disappointed...in him and in me...it's not his fault i care too much. and i wish to god i didn't some times, but most times i don't. because...to be totally honest... i would do it all over again.i would.

i am hurt yes. he said yet again the most perfect words to hurt me...but i allow him to do that to me...because, truly, i care.

and maybe in the days to come i will truly truly move on...and the NICE ATE who has been my therapy of sorts has helped me keep things in perspective...thanks thanks...but right now...

i'm alone.

again.

naturally.

from the other blog:happy unhappy me.

tonight i can write the saddest lines.
write for example, "the night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
the night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
i loved her and sometimes she loved me too.
through nights like this one i held her in my arms
i kissed her again and again under the endless sky
she loved me, sometimes i loved her too
how could one not have loved her great still eyes.
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
to think that i do not have her. to feel that i have lost her
to hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
and the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture
what does it matter that my love could not keep her.
the night is shattered and she is not with me.
this is all. in the distance someone is singing. in the distance.
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
my sight searches for her as though to go to her.
my heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
the same night whitening the same trees.
we, of that time, are no longer the same.
i no longer love her, that's certain, but how i loved her.
my voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
another's. she will be another's. like my kisses before.
her voice. her bright body. her infinite eyes.
i no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe i love her.
love is so short, forgetting is so long.
because through nights like this one i held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
though this be the last pain she makes me suffer.
and these the last verses i write for her.


neruda.


if only i was the girl in that poem. the one who leaves great lovers behind.

if only.

instead i seem to be floating in the sea of wishful thinking and tired hopes. risking everything willing to do anything for what in the end turns out to be nothing.

and while certainly he is entitled to his decision and i am entitled to mine, and yes of course i was aware of the relative instability of everything new, and yes, again, the summary of the story is that we tried and it didn't work out, it's not really the summary of the story that causes you pain. it's the little stories in between.

they go for you and then they smile at you and they make you laugh and you make them laugh and day by day you care about them even more, and commitment or not you care about them.
and then they tell you something's wrong. someone doesn't approve. something doesn't reconcile.

are you supposed to grin and bear it? to know that somewhere out there people are judging you on the basis of something that is no fault of yours, an accident of birth, that you pray to the same God in a different way.

to know that based on a couple of months of casual acquaintance, because you said the wrong thing, you laughed the wrong way, you glanced the wrong way, you were happy the wrong way, people think of you as not even supposed to be in law school?

you wake up everyday determined to do the right thing, to not waste time, to try not to hurt people on the way to achieving your goals.

still, you come up short.

and you feel it and it colors your every moment with him and it goes downhill from there. cause this isn't just getting to know each other now. it's you trying to get past an image of you already in his mind.

i don't even know why i care. why i can't just grin and bear it. i just know that i can't.

he asks what the bad thing is about saying it's over. nothing's bad about it. except the way you go about it. you just don't treat people that way. and walk away and not look back. and smiel at them like nothing happened.

and while right now i'm not making sense whoever's bored enough to read this will just have to bear with me.

cause i'm tired.

good riddance-time of your life
Green Day - Good Riddance
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don’t ask why
It’s not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

if you forget me -pablo neruda

i want you to know one thing.

you know how this is:
if i look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if i touch
near the fire the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aomas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.


well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
i shall stop loving you little by little.

if suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for i shall already have forgotten you.

if you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where i have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
i shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

but
if each day,
each hour, you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

on reason and passion

apt...

And the priestess spoke again and said:
"Speak to us of Reason and Passion."
And he answered saying:
Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?
Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.
I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.
Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.
Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."
And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."
And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

on joy and sorrow, gibran again

i couldn't say it better.


Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

on love, the prophet speaks

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

quiet desperation

while i harbor doubts about the therapeutic qualities of posting my thoughts for all the world-as if naman- to see, i find that the act of writing helps...to a certain extent. and really, in all probability i'll be the only one to see this, so i might as well have fun.

the past month was one filled with disappointment. with people, with a person, with myself. and while in the end i have only myself to blame, there are moments when i think...maybe...maybe it wasn't just me.

and i have never been one to easily let go of things, of people. i carry them , their words their deeds, in my heart, til long after they walk out of my life.

i remember this guy, i fell for him when i was all of seventeen and he was twenty-five, and i spent a year and a half with him, eager to please, eager to accommodate, eager to overlook anything, and everything. i was always afraid of saying the wrong thing, of doing the wrong thing, and in the end, i ended up saying nothing and doing nothing.

and when i finally asked that question i was ready to hear the answer to, when he answered and told me it was over,(when he left for two other girls) i could feel the weight of ten thousand sad songs crash upon my head. and his was the memory i carried with me for the next three years and the next two guys.

and when i saw him again and he explained things to me and asked for my forgiveness, all i could say in the end was that i had forgiven him, that i had from the day it ended. it was the memories i couldn't forgive, because they haunted me, they kept me awake, they kept me in tears. and when he apologized for those memories, i stopped myslef from saying that no matter how many apologies were given for them, they were for naught...because as long as i had love in me for him, those memories would cause me pain. and i had love for him. which in the interest of moving on i kept unsaid.

one memory that i really carried with me was that for that year and a half i felt like the most inadequate person in the world. too many people took pleasure in pointing out that i was too young, and a student, and that i didn't fit in his world. and too many times they said it, until i started to believe it, and from then on i started to live in quiet desperation,trying trying trying to show him there was a way to work it out, trying to show him i wasn't that affected, trying for....i don't know. then i stopped trying, and asked him to break my heart.

there have been guys since him, but he is the memory i have kept closest to me, cause he was the one i loved first, and he was the one who hurt me the most.

and the memory of that inadequacy became a reality yet again...this month.

i got rid of the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing...and then with this one i kept on saying the wrong things. when all i wanted to say was... stop pointing out problems without offering solutions. it shouldn't always be emotion, yes, but then again it shouldn't always be logic. stop holding me to a standard i will never measure up to.

and that i care. and i believe that the god we both pray to, albeit in a different way, would not have brought us together if there was no possible way to work differences out.

but there is truth in what he said, that in summary we tried and it didn't work and now it's done.
i can accept the decision, i will reserve my dissent, and go on. but not before adding yet another memory of moment of quiet desperation to my store of memories.

because i did care. and you really can't go back to nothing. there are things you just can't share with other people and then walk away from. and i am not the type of person to be cold and clinical and unilateral.

he asked why it was so wrong to exercise the option to end things. it wasn't. i probably would've. the fine line between too different and not too different really could become too faint at times. i dissent because....well, because.

and time will judge me the idiot here, and i will judge myself the idiot. but this is not the first time i have let my emotions rule my dealings with people, and this is not the first time i.have not shrunk away from the possibility of falling in love. and i'd rather have these types of memories than quiet, desperate regrets.

the year will end, and i really don't know if i can wait, if i'm waiting for something.

what an incoherent first post.