with friends like you

there i was, coming to you for comfort, hoping, if not for a hug, maybe for a word of encouragement or concern for my well-being.

and there you were. assuming instantly that i was to blame for all the dark sky i was gazing upon. questioning not the other's actions, but my right to indignation in my behalf.

and maybe you were (still are) right to assume the worst of me.

after all, have i not been the wrongdoer all these years?

was i not cheated on so blatantly and so humiliatingly by one of your own? not once but twice?

was i not accused by your then girlfriend (turned psycho bitch) that i was out to steal you from her when really, we were nothing but friends? (said accusation by the way not only made to you, but repeated to everyone else in sight. )

but still, i have been to blame.

after all, if a guy cheats and is caught, isn't the person who got cheated on the woman scorned and nothing else?

and if a paranoid schizoid girl-woman says something but says it in a sweet way, she CAN'T POSSIBLY BE LYING.

and if a guy you see and think is nice fucks up, i have to give him a break, yes?

i, on the other hand, being the supreme bitch that i am, having never been a friend to you, having never had your well-being in mind, having never had a kind word to say to you, having not kept your confidence through these years, having not persisted in my association with you even in spite of the painful things i have gone through at the hands of your friends, and the gossip i have unknowingly had to live down due to your ex-psycho's paranoia,

i deserve all these things, and also the privilege of not having you speak a word in my defense.

and not hearing a word, not one word, of friendship to hopefully carry me through a difficult moment.

i have never wanted yes-men (or women) for friends. they have always seemed to me a lie away from selling my soul to better theirs.

but was it too much to ask for a cushion for me to land on as you beat me down?

missing sunshine

it's more than three weeks, less than a month, i know.

if i were a rational unspoiled being, maybe i'd be able to suck it up and be a man and not be miserable about it.

as reason and i have never really gotten along, i have to say:

i'm miserable without my driver, my food provider, my sounding board, my cranky time mate, my sleepy mamy, my bright sky, my best friend, my love.

sigh.

my birthday will suck big time. =(

come back na.

the unfairness of it all

i was with my dad grocery shopping last sunday when, while absentmindedly perusing the shelves (hoping a random potentially yummy snack would materialize before my eyes), i saw this:



and all thoughts of potentially yummy snack (temporarily) disappeared from my mind, to be replaced by a question that has been burning and burning and burning (everything but the fat i have):

why?

WHY?

why is it that i can't have the problem that people who need this product have? WHY must i continue to wait for the perfect product that deals with the total opposite of their problem (and won't bankrupt me, kill me, keep me alive due to the massive amounts of methamphetamine, cause my heart to beat wildly though not at the sight of pretty things) ???

why am i pathologically incapable of JUST SAYING NO?

NO to food beer rice ice cream chocolates beer pasta cream potatoes beer?

marie france and belo group and whichever place it is developing non-invasive and painless techniques for people like me, PLEASE PLEASE WAIT.

i and my potentially healthy income from a future law practice am only a few years away!