summer revisited

so...

that summer, when we indulged in not so PG messages and dancing and drinking and being beside each other.

that summer, so totally whack so totally crazy like even the smallest of grins from you would be a ray of freakin sunshine.

that summer, when it was dangerously like friendship was more than it should be, less than what could be.

that summer, when we had a few of them talking about dangerous things.

that summer, when i was half in love half in lust and half going crazy cause somehow someway in that way that you feel like it's not pure platonic shit i felt you.

then all shitty hell broke loose and i left without resolution, left without goodbye.

and the time since then that i saw you, did you miss me? at all? even a bit?

then that night that it seemed right for your hand to find mine and that kiss that was wildfire and the impish grin that i knew was for me.

that night that turned to morning and beside me you were smiling in the way that those frustrated with situations they can't really control smile.

that summer and that night...

seemed just about the same.

if only i could find out what you were thinking right now. if only there was a way that He could give me a hint, give me what i want, what i've wanted so bad since that summer.

if only timing wasn't everything in that serious way of everything.

if only.

cause even if, only even if, i could get more than that so concrete feel of what i wanted for more than that night.

that summer, and that night.

from carmina, a long time ago.

HOW TO DUMP A GUY

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my
children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a
fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR
pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you
asked me more than one about myself.

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short.

___Any son that we produce would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I
fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little
disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of
psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the
necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely, ______________________

job please

i'm broke.

i need a job.

what's new?

what's new is that now more than ever i need a job if it comes to the point where i have to transfer to the evening section to accomodate my need for peace of mind.

i really don't need a job in the urgent sense, i need it to be able to cater to my addiction to boxed sets of my favorite shows, my expanding pirated cd collection, and my need for instant gratification books (which actually do nothing but remind me-graphically-that i ain't getting any, and from the looks of it, probably won't for a long time).

i've my dad for the important stuff, like food and tuition and clothing and food and books...hahahahaha.

but i get the feeling that four years in law school will be slow to give me any investment return. in the meantime all my blockmates from undergrad will be millionaires or close to it.

and i'll still be living with the papa.

though that's not such a sad thought. i like papa's cooking. hahahahaha.

okay obviously my mind is not working as it should right now.

later.

i think it's safe to say that i've got a big load lifted from my shoulders just now. having an all out honest to goodness conversation about misinterpreted shit with two people of different vantage points but similar honesty towards others can do that.

i guess that in the end clearing the air is the best thing to do. i don't like harboring anger. i don't like thinking evil thoughts-unless they're of the ahem sort, i don't like being in an atmosphere of distrust.

maybe the tactic of being all nice and ditzy ain't working though.

bitch is one of the ways i can go if you want.

exhaustion and the slippery slopes

just came back from the faculty student conference in subic. exhausted would be a really mild way of describing my state of existence right now.

the days leading up to it were stressful. i was juggling work from both the academic reforms committee, national affairs committee, and the grad committee. though in fairness ala naman talagang work ung sa NAC. i had to deal with block opinions and assumptions and issues. i had to deal with some pretty insensitive thinking (or lack thereof) from a person i once wanted to be a friend and his paramour. i had to give up time i wanted to spend with my dearest dear friend. i had to deal with bad hotel food, long meetings, and incessant chatter from a committee companion who had, unknowingly, gotten stuck with a cranky sleep deprived bitch. oops di lang pala ako ung mataray hehe peace sanne.

the week was not a total loss though. i bore witness to the strange drama of administration and faculty, the excellent meeting of the minds that was achieved in crucial moments leading up to the conference, the bonding over banana bread and spiked pasta and bird greetings, the way that math never ceases to befuddle those who dabble in the art of law, and the saving grace of friendship and support.

now on to the next committee.

over-volunteer-er that i am, i managed to commit to bar ops special events and flop and a lot of other things. to think that i used to not be involved in anything too heavy. well well well. fyi though to the malicious people of the world, i'm not doing this to beef up my resume. i'm doing this cause the beneficiaries of my efforts are my friends. pwede ba. di ako tulad nyo. hindi ko pangarap magpanggap.

nakakainis lang talaga how people jump to conclusions. they assume that family friendships can take you anywhere. they don't. they only serve to heighten your paranoia about being compared to the sunshine ate, the golden sister, unica hija, the smart pretty pretty thin one. if you wanna be in my place, feel free. don't accuse me of getting grades i don't work for. or accuse me to my face if you want to be totally bitter about it.

and then the idiot-oh, i can't say enough about this-who assumed it'd be okay to even ask to bring the chicklet. grr talaga the idiocy of it all. i at least was never stupid enough to pull a stunt like that. pissin people off left and right baby. wait for me to totally lose it. tignan natin kung masaya ka pa.

argh i could go on and on. i could.

except,

exhaustion.

grr.

and to you

while i'm at it, i won't stop with just berating the deep-fried-brain-ed idiot i once cared about and i was once friends with.

let's take this moment to talk about you.

since the day we were introduced (and you saw me with deep fried and you told mutual friends that it was so obvious what was going on between me and DF) you've been hovering in the periphery of any situation i'd be in with DF. what's with that? i wondered. then you started staying nearby, offering rides home (convenient no?), being all cowboy about eating down-home e.coli carrier pizza, showing up after hours to propose some wild ride early midnight breakfast shit. then one time when i was still with DF he goes and tells me you told him i slowed him down. what's up with that? i wondered.

i wonder no more.

i am finally listening to the voices of the many girls and friends who told me you were after him too. i am finally listening to my voice of reason telling me that hey, them's the shits, she's after what you have. girls fight dirty to get their guys.

gotta hand it to you though.

you insidiously slipped your shitty piece of malice disguised as opinion into his small paranoid over-thinking deep fried mind and stayed around to play catch with his ever wandering libido.

thing is, you didn't even have to do that.

all you had to do was ask.

now you have him and you can enjoy him, and without any fear or apprehension that your ass will receive a sound kicking from me. you're lucky in fact. cause all them religious people friends in his life who didn't approve of me with him are on leashes. one's taken and busy, the other's been effectively muzzled. so you won't get the "my friends don't approve of evil catholics" schtick, you lucky dog of the female variety you.

lady, you're gonna get yours. but bad. but promise. i won't derive happiness from it. i'm not that deprived of a life.

of all the things.

there are few things that are unforgivable in this world. to betray a friend's trust is one of them. to be unapologetic for doing so, yet another. to be in-your-face about it, when the offended party had been trying to be mature about things just so work could be done, even more so.

you wonder why i'm mad. you think i'm way off the mark. you think this is some sort of over-exaggerated emotionally high strung fit on my part. you think .

wait. you don't think.

you assume that anger unspoken is not anger. you assume that just cause you feel you did nothing wrong you did nothing wrong. you assume that your insensitivity and lack of emotional quotient are perpetually excused. you assume that just cause i'm the bitch in this game i'm in the wrong. you assume that you don't hurt people, or offend them, or cause them any sort of inconvenience.

wow naman man. unting courtesy naman.

i haven't slept in the past two days. my temper is not as controlled as i'd like it to be. buti ka bottle lang ng c2 ung binato ko sa door. buti ka nagtimpi ako. especially after now that i've seen the light many words and actions of the months past are now falling into place.

two weeks to the day since you told me that the words you spoke were never to be backed up by action, since you told me of sudden developments (bullshit) and friendships that blossomed into unexpected domestic bliss for you, since you showed me that intimacy for you is a game of chance, if it's there you take it, if something new comes along you dismiss the old. two weeks to the day, and you think i'm over it?

the fact that more than the strange crazy weird past we shared less than three months ago our friendship which for me was truly one of choice, of resolve, of decision, was tested and ended and betrayed by your callous disregard for me.

where i come from, we at least extend those people we've treated like idiots the courtesy of letting them know that people who annoy the hell out of them (in large part due to their role in helping us treat people like idiots) will be anywhere in the vicinity. we extend that courtesy at the very least if in the first place we can't find enough manners, enough decency, enough respect for friendship to keep words we don't mean to ourselves.

to assume that when barely three days after you tell a person you want to work things out (wanna kiss them?) you start going out with the girl who's always had the hots for you (so blatantly availably even maliciously had the hots for you) you can excuse your actions with a sheepish smile and an acknowledgment that yes you're an ass and a total dickless idiot, that'd be enough?

to assume that when the person calls a truce for the sake of professionalism, for the sake of work, and tries to keep the heavy stuff out of conversation, and treats you like the friend you used to deserve to be, it's okay to parade your chick of the moment in front of the person and make an already tense work (deadline-sensitive) situation even more so?

i always thought that men were idiots. i've never been so sad to be proven so right.

i just assumed that somehow somewhere along the evolutionary path some increase in maturity and sensitivity and resolve would happen, and i'd be spared a situation like this. but no.

you come along and not think. you come along and assume.

wow dude. you idiot schmuck.

the sun must've fried not just your skin but your brain.

Lifted from some guy's blog
Advice for 1L's (re-post)
Once again, I've somehow been chosen as to lead a 1L small group. Keeping with my mentoring responsibilities, I've decided to re-post my sage wisdom from this early piece:
1. Watch The Paper Chase. In fact, watch it over and over. You may even consider buying a transcript, an outline, and possibly even memorizing it. Not only is law school actually exactly as it is portrayed in that movie, but you will be tested on it come exams. In fact, if you don't cite to the movie at least three times on any given question, you've probably failed and will be condemned to spend the rest of your life clerking for Judge Judy.
2. Stress yourself out as much as you possibly can. There is a reason that the inscription over the door to UW Law School reads "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter This Place."
3. Beware the Socratic method. At some point in the semester (probably the first day), the professor will ask you a mind-bogglingly difficult legal question that even Chief Justice Rehnquist couldn't answer. After you get it wrong, which of course you will, the entire class will laugh at your utter incompetence and throw spitballs at you. The professor will call you names and ridicule you mercilessly. But don't worry - your torment will soon stop. Fortunately, the school is equipped with a trap door underneath every classroom seat which will open and you will fall into sweet, sweet oblivion and you'll wake up several days later in a bathtub full of ice and missing your kidneys.
4. Law school is exactly like high school. Make a bet with your friends to lose your virginity by prom. Try not to have sex with any baked goods, as this will come back to haunt you on the "Character and Fitness" portion of the Bar.
5. Sleep with your professors. Since the grading is anonymous it may not help you get that A, but hey - it couldn't hurt either.
6. Tell everyone your LSAT score. In fact, post flyers around the atrium with it. People will be very impressed and you will make friends quickly. Actually, flyers may not be very effective. Use spray paint.
7. Take up smoking. If you're already a smoker, take up heroin. If you're already addicted to heroin, just freebase the UCC.
8. Finally, make sure that you say good-bye to your old friends and family. You're not going to see them or speak to them for the next year. In fact, you're not going to see anything outside the library for the next year. Law school is a terrible experience and if you have any sort of social life, you will fail out. If you manage to have a social life and still pass your exams, you will still be expelled on principle.There's more where that came from.